Venus Spring Blowout

The online dating is a thang now, you know. One of my best friends, Latina Rodriguez chats to me about it on a daily basis and I live for her stories! Especially now that I am back to single life (and not yet ready to mingle, but I am very slowly getting there).  Feels a bit like recovering from a long marathon that you didn’t really prepare your fat body and fossilized joints for. But enough of the cheesecake!
The dating app is – without beating around the bush – full of fucking weirdos. Seriously, there is a market for everything. I don’t want to turn into some kind of freegan poetry slam, but if you think you can’t make money of your used underwear, well let me prove you wrong right there! When you finally get to write with someone that is – a- normal (doesn’t want to feed you with Taco Bell nor wants to smell your hairy armpits while clamping their nipples) and – b- not ugly, it is like a Kinder Surprise. You’re happy to get one, still a mystery what is inside.
The other day I finally got to write with a really cute actor from Deutsches Theater. Very exciting, as he didn’t want to buy me and had a beard (equals superhot, yes). Suddenly he goes ‘Lust auf Kaffee morgen‘ and here I go squirting a long ass Mateusz style answer in his face, needy, desperate, pathetic. You know those moments when someone suggest something you really wanted and you answer ‘Yes‘ too quickly? Well multiply it by ten. Totally lost it. Explaining how long and why I work and proposing alternative time, naturally also including my telephone number, height, weight, number of fingers, colors of my bedroom walls and almost social security number. Not until the dude writes back ‘Luft noch‘ half an hour later (no need to be fluent in German to realize this means ‘Calm your faggoty ass down‘ ) did I slap myself with an imaginary frying pan and promised, again, to keep it together. Jesus Almighty. I will die alone eaten by my fifteen cats and it is going to be my fault. I feel like Bridget Jones, although my Daniel Cleaver seems to have given up already!

The Counselor and pulsating appendicitis

As I was lying flat, greatly tormented in the sultry room of the post-operative unit of the biggest hospital my ass ever landed in, my never-a-let-down friend called up and asked if I felt like watching a movie. Well, hell yeah I thought, but then it dawned on me how bananas she must have gotten to sacrifice her first sunny and warm Friday. It was the last day of my post-surgical care, I was actually almost mobile and mentally very ready to sashay away home (literally!) and starting to get tremendously depressed from all the crippled ambience. A movie – good or bad – would just be the perfect distractor and – most importantly – a killer for extremely slowly passing time.

As Irene reached into her big red furry box and pulled out a DVD, I only managed to catch a glimpse of the cover that shouted ‘The Counselor’ with Cameron Diaz among the cast. There are those moments, when your prejudice just does it all. Nope, no matter how long and untiringly you keep on trying to convince me, I know – for all it’s worth – it is a movie featuring a undeniably blond dumb bitch on at-least-twenty-inch high heels with a ridiculous skirt short enough to uncover her Brazilian. Embarrassing jokes interspersed with tacky love scenes (preferentially with some actor made of abs, handsome face and a dick bigger than the Fernsehturm in Berlin) and overall feeling of a roaring moral hangover once (if at all) you are done with it.

Well, wasn’t I wrong! Not only does Madame Diaz manage to lasciviously allure, virtuously emanate the queen bitch she acts and paralyze with her glance, she also makes me gag on all her looks! She is serving some bad ass ghetto queen surely equipped with a personal stylist, because some of her outfits look simply damn cool.

That is actually the best of what I got from The Counselor. I think the movie counts well among stories about thug lives of Mexican cartels and offers some yet another kinky ways to kill a man you ‘dislike’. It creates a very unsettling atmosphere of uncertainty, so very typical for movies about sex, blood, money and drugs (mainly because you never know when your favorite character is going to lose their next finger). All in all a semi-interesting plot with a very well executed roles of all characters (and obviously – stunning Cameron!). She definitely should get an award of some sort – maybe not for the overall role, but for (thumbs up) breaking up with the fossilized blond skank characters she slipped into.

The impression may of course well account for the fact that the process of watching the movie was interrupted several times by my phone announcing a new batch of incoming Whatsapp messages from my forever worried mum or unnaturally long and awkward gurgling of my freshly slaughtered belly.