The Counselor and pulsating appendicitis

As I was lying flat, greatly tormented in the sultry room of the post-operative unit of the biggest hospital my ass ever landed in, my never-a-let-down friend called up and asked if I felt like watching a movie. Well, hell yeah I thought, but then it dawned on me how bananas she must have gotten to sacrifice her first sunny and warm Friday. It was the last day of my post-surgical care, I was actually almost mobile and mentally very ready to sashay away home (literally!) and starting to get tremendously depressed from all the crippled ambience. A movie – good or bad – would just be the perfect distractor and – most importantly – a killer for extremely slowly passing time.

As Irene reached into her big red furry box and pulled out a DVD, I only managed to catch a glimpse of the cover that shouted ‘The Counselor’ with Cameron Diaz among the cast. There are those moments, when your prejudice just does it all. Nope, no matter how long and untiringly you keep on trying to convince me, I know – for all it’s worth – it is a movie featuring a undeniably blond dumb bitch on at-least-twenty-inch high heels with a ridiculous skirt short enough to uncover her Brazilian. Embarrassing jokes interspersed with tacky love scenes (preferentially with some actor made of abs, handsome face and a dick bigger than the Fernsehturm in Berlin) and overall feeling of a roaring moral hangover once (if at all) you are done with it.

Well, wasn’t I wrong! Not only does Madame Diaz manage to lasciviously allure, virtuously emanate the queen bitch she acts and paralyze with her glance, she also makes me gag on all her looks! She is serving some bad ass ghetto queen surely equipped with a personal stylist, because some of her outfits look simply damn cool.

That is actually the best of what I got from The Counselor. I think the movie counts well among stories about thug lives of Mexican cartels and offers some yet another kinky ways to kill a man you ‘dislike’. It creates a very unsettling atmosphere of uncertainty, so very typical for movies about sex, blood, money and drugs (mainly because you never know when your favorite character is going to lose their next finger). All in all a semi-interesting plot with a very well executed roles of all characters (and obviously – stunning Cameron!). She definitely should get an award of some sort – maybe not for the overall role, but for (thumbs up) breaking up with the fossilized blond skank characters she slipped into.

The impression may of course well account for the fact that the process of watching the movie was interrupted several times by my phone announcing a new batch of incoming Whatsapp messages from my forever worried mum or unnaturally long and awkward gurgling of my freshly slaughtered belly.

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